I've never been very good at dealing with grief. I compartmentalize. I falsely equate tears with weakness. I ignore. I try to keep going. Through losing my grandfather, and then my father, one of my aunts... witnessing my grandmother have a massive stroke and watching her struggle for a year before another stroke claimed her. Waking up one morning to realize my boyfriend had tried to kill himself, leading to five months of trying to help him before he completed an attempt. I've tried to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. Trying to balance work and school. Trying to hold it together. But I got to a point where I couldn't do that any more. I'm still sad. But I'm also angry. And since Jon died, anger has been running the show. I was prepared to be sad. My 1st year of grad school helped me with that. I wasn't prepared for the anger. It took me months to realize that's what I was experiencing. I became resentful. It's not possible to properly function like that. My emotional side was at war with my rational side. So I hit the pause button. My PCP assessed my depression and anxiety levels and they were quite high. So she increased the dosage on my antidepressant medication. I'm trying to work on my eating habits, be more active, meditate regularly. And I'm starting to work with a new therapist. I'm not a failure because I had to do those things, but I felt like that at first. I don't now. I started this account as means to deal with my grief, but to also help destigmatize mental illness. Jon was ashamed and he didn't have to be. I'm dealing with a mix of grief, depression, and PTSD. It's a lot to unpack. But I'm not ashamed. If you claim it, you can tame it. Admit that what you're doing isn't working. Try something new. I'm a long way from healed. Recovery is a process. Grief may always be a constant presence in my life. But I want to learn to live with it. So instead of a song for Jon, I post one for me. #mentalhealth#suicideprevention#recovery#depression#anxiety#ptsd#grief#therapy#trauma#loss#survivor#notearslefttocry#arianagrande #asongforjon

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