On feeling like an outsider

I've written before about my anxiety. I am generally an anxious person. I have a lot of social anxiety. Myers Briggs has me as an extrovert and it's true in a lot of ways but I have introverted tendencies as well. Certain social interactions can leave me feeling drained. I've never been good at small talk and feel quite awkward when I am required to do it. That's due in large part to social anxiety. I always feel like an outsider. 

It's probably not unusual that these feelings intensified during middle school. I was an especially awkward pre-teen and I desperately wanted to fit in. I never did. I never had the right hair style or clothes. I never said the right thing. If there were a common theme at that time, it would be rejection. It was a period where someone could be your best friend one day and suddenly seem to hate you the next. 

Middle school was a particularly heinous time. Things got better when I got to high school and fitting in stopped feeling so important. But that feeling of being an outsider was always there, even within my own group of friends. I'd wonder if they really liked me or if they just put up with me. Did they think I was annoying? Would they suddenly decide to cut me off? 

That feeling has followed me into adulthood. 

My life has been different since I met my boyfriend. It's been wonderful getting to know this person and I wouldn't trade the time we spend together for anything. But this addition to my life has meant less time for other things. I'm keenly aware that as he and I build our relationship, I have less time for my friends. When I start school next month, I'll have even less free time (that's another source of anxiety that could take up an entire blog post).

I am keenly aware of the impact on my other relationships. There was bound to be an impact because I had been single for a decade an suddenly I'm in this new relationship with this person I just connect with in a way I haven't with anyone else. We've become each other's best friend and we're together almost every day. 

I used to see my group of friends almost every day and now it's a lot less. And it's seemed to have changed the dynamics. I can't be everywhere at once. Time turner necklaces only exist in Harry Potter. 

With the change in dynamics, those social anxieties have been triggered all over again. And they've kept growing. Do my friends really like me? Did they decide I'm not worth the effort? Why don't they ask me to do things the way they used to?

The anxiety has me feeling suspicious. But it also has me feeling guilty. What did I do wrong? Did I say something wrong? Can I fix it? How do I fix it? And the suspicion: would they even want me too?

I've kind of let these feelings eat me alive. And I've never really voiced them until now. Because what if I'm wrong and I damage the relationship? Or worse, what if I'm right? What if I’m no longer included?

Note: the picture is by Beth Evans, who does a wonderful job capturing what mental illness feels like. Go find her on Instagram at @bethdrawsthings.