Messing up

When I first started taking Wellbutrin, I read all of the potential side effects. Some where amusing: you could see rainbows when looking at lights. Others immediately came to pass: dry mouth ... fun. I was very serious about not drinking on this medication. It can cause seizures. It can cause hallucinations. It can make you more depressed...

Two months later and ... yeah, I didn't follow through on the no drinking. I drank on my birthday. And on Christmas. And at my friend's birthday. And on New Year's. No seizures, thankfully. 

But I had a depressive episode the day after my birthday. And a bad one after New Year's. And when I look at what my latest episodes all have in common, I drank within the 24 hours before they came on. 

So I messed up. We all mess up sometimes, do things we know we shouldn't. It could have been worse. But now I know. My taste for alcohol is not stronger than my need for mental clarity. And so the drinking stops for the foreseeable future. 

Feeling some kind of way

It seems like every time I'm feeling up, something happens to smack me back down. It's almost like the more I try to change, the less things actually do. 

I was actually pretty proud of myself because it had been more than a month since I had a serious, nose-running, ugly cry. And I still haven't. But I'm having one of those moments where I really want to cry. I'm not going to go into details. 

I'm feeling like I am incapable of change. There are things I very much would like to but I don't know how. I don't know if I can. When the voice that tells you that you can't is louder than the voice that tells you that you can, what are you supposed to do? How are you supposed to get that louder voice to shut up? How are you supposed to get the quieter voice to speak up? How can I expect anyone to possibly understand? Why would anyone want to try?