Monday, January 29, 2018
I had a dream about Jon a couple of weeks ago. I never remember my dreams so this was kind of a big deal. I was visiting him in the afterlife. It looked like him. I hugged him and it felt like him. He barely spoke. I don't remember anything he might have said. He showed no emotion, even though I was so happy to see him. And I was aware I was not supposed to be there. I was not there to stay. We walked around and the other dead people seemed like normal people. They did look at me funny. It took me a while to figure out what it meant. That he showed no emotion. That he didn't talk or hug me back. I talked to friends and my therapist and my mom about it. And I slowly pieces together what it meant. Jon moved on and he's never coming back. And even if he could, he wouldn't be the same (I maybe have read one too many fantasy novels...). He made a choice. A terrible, awful choice. I made no such choice. I have to live with the result of his actions. Clean up. Make sense of things. Grieve. He doesn't have to do those things. He chose to move on. I did not. I'm never going to get over it but I do need to make an effort to accept it and to keep going forward. I deleted the VMs from the DMHAS police officer. I changed my relationship status on Facebook. And these things felt ... okay. I still wear the ring he gave me. Still have his glasses and work ID in my car. I don't have plans to dispose of either. But life goes on. Little by little, I have to as well. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #seal #dontcrytonight #youllstillbeloved
Wednesday, January 24, 2018
I don't think Jon was a Kanye fan so he'd probably object to the inclusion of this song on the playlist. Before we started dating, Jon posted a NYE meme about resolving to be an asshole for another year. When we started dating he'd tease me about his age and I'd jokingly call him an asshole. For the most part Jon was a sweet guy. But he also had a nasty side. He's not unique in that regard. We all can be assholes sometimes. Sometimes I think he purposely tried to push me away. Not because he wanted me to leave. He didn't. But he expected I would and was surprised when I didn't. Up until the end he told me he never expected I'd stick by him. That I deserved better. Maybe a smarter girl would have run. I don't regret my decisions. I upset his homeostasis. When I didn't run, he did. I wish he hadn't. At least, but the way that he did. I'd rather we be apart and he'd be alive. I may not regret my choices but I do regret his. Sometimes life feels like a battle. But there is beauty to be found in the fight. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #kanyewest #runaway #mybeautifuldarktwistedfantasy
Sunday, January 14, 2018
There was so much I didn't know the night I met you. I didn't know that I would fall in love with you. I didn't know how much trauma you'd lived through. I didn't know why you hated being alone. I didn't know how lost you felt. I didn't know you were in constant pain. I didn't know you were sick. I didn't know you didn't expect to grow old. I don't know what would have changed if I had known that night. Would I have cancelled? Avoided the heartbreak that was our destiny? I'll never know. I don't know that I have regrets ... I don't know if I would have done things differently. What I do know is I'll always have questions. And you aren't here to answer them. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lordhuron #thenightwemet
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