I care for you still and I will forever That was my part of the deal, honest We got so familiar Spending each day of the year #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #frankocean #whiteferrari #blond

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Jon was always introducing me to new songs. I heard this one today for the first time and I thought of Jon immediately. While I have an idea of what went on in his head, the truth is, I don't really know. And I never will. Would I have been able to help him better if I truly understood? Would he be alive today and on the road to wellness? These are questions that will never be answered. And truth be told, I don't think he'd want me to know what it was like to be him. He wanted to protect me from harm - even if the source of that harm was him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #shawnmendes #juliamichaels #liketobeyou

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I've never been very good at dealing with grief. I compartmentalize. I falsely equate tears with weakness. I ignore. I try to keep going. Through losing my grandfather, and then my father, one of my aunts... witnessing my grandmother have a massive stroke and watching her struggle for a year before another stroke claimed her. Waking up one morning to realize my boyfriend had tried to kill himself, leading to five months of trying to help him before he completed an attempt. I've tried to pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep going. Trying to balance work and school. Trying to hold it together. But I got to a point where I couldn't do that any more. I'm still sad. But I'm also angry. And since Jon died, anger has been running the show. I was prepared to be sad. My 1st year of grad school helped me with that. I wasn't prepared for the anger. It took me months to realize that's what I was experiencing. I became resentful. It's not possible to properly function like that. My emotional side was at war with my rational side. So I hit the pause button. My PCP assessed my depression and anxiety levels and they were quite high. So she increased the dosage on my antidepressant medication. I'm trying to work on my eating habits, be more active, meditate regularly. And I'm starting to work with a new therapist. I'm not a failure because I had to do those things, but I felt like that at first. I don't now. I started this account as means to deal with my grief, but to also help destigmatize mental illness. Jon was ashamed and he didn't have to be. I'm dealing with a mix of grief, depression, and PTSD. It's a lot to unpack. But I'm not ashamed. If you claim it, you can tame it. Admit that what you're doing isn't working. Try something new. I'm a long way from healed. Recovery is a process. Grief may always be a constant presence in my life. But I want to learn to live with it. So instead of a song for Jon, I post one for me. #mentalhealth#suicideprevention#recovery#depression#anxiety#ptsd#grief#therapy#trauma#loss#survivor#notearslefttocry#arianagrande #asongforjon

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I might have told this story before. I don't remember. But it says a lot about who Jon was. I was visiting him during one of his emergency room stays. Another patient was loud. Beligerent with one of the psych nurses. Jon's room looked out on the nurse's station. I could feel him tense up even though we weren't touching. I asked him what was wrong. He was preparing to step in if the guy went too far with the nurse. But psych nurses are tough. She got the patient to calm down and all was okay. Or as okay as things can be in the psych unit. And I loved Jon a little more that night. I wish he'd been dealt a better hand in life. He made some bad mistakes but he was ultimately a good person. A person who tried to help others - strangers even - when he was suffering most. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #sting #ghoststory #imusthavelovedyou

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Two years ago today Jon messaged me for the first time. A friend made the connection and I decided I was open to meeting him. He was a big guy. Cute. I told her to give him my number. We connected right away, even just over text messages. At the time I was preparing for a powerlifting competition so I spent hours at the gym. The friend told me he lifted. Jon later asked me questions about what I did at the gym and I realized pretty quickly that he did not lift. It was a spectacularly bad lie. I'd joke about it later. "I don't know why she told you that!" he told me, embarrassed. In truth, Jon hated the gym. He would come with me only occasionally. Sometimes he'd have a soda with him. He'd leave to smoke a cigarette or buy candy at Five Below. Eat at McDonald's. Do you even lift, bro? Maybe if you paid him... It's weird. I think about Jon constantly but I almost forgot about today's significance. Jon would be disappointed. But then, I'm forever disappointed that he's no longer here. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #callmemaybe #carlyraejepsen

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I had a dream about Jon a couple of weeks ago. I never remember my dreams so this was kind of a big deal. I was visiting him in the afterlife. It looked like him. I hugged him and it felt like him. He barely spoke. I don't remember anything he might have said. He showed no emotion, even though I was so happy to see him. And I was aware I was not supposed to be there. I was not there to stay. We walked around and the other dead people seemed like normal people. They did look at me funny. It took me a while to figure out what it meant. That he showed no emotion. That he didn't talk or hug me back. I talked to friends and my therapist and my mom about it. And I slowly pieces together what it meant. Jon moved on and he's never coming back. And even if he could, he wouldn't be the same (I maybe have read one too many fantasy novels...). He made a choice. A terrible, awful choice. I made no such choice. I have to live with the result of his actions. Clean up. Make sense of things. Grieve. He doesn't have to do those things. He chose to move on. I did not. I'm never going to get over it but I do need to make an effort to accept it and to keep going forward. I deleted the VMs from the DMHAS police officer. I changed my relationship status on Facebook. And these things felt ... okay. I still wear the ring he gave me. Still have his glasses and work ID in my car. I don't have plans to dispose of either. But life goes on. Little by little, I have to as well. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #seal #dontcrytonight #youllstillbeloved

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I don't think Jon was a Kanye fan so he'd probably object to the inclusion of this song on the playlist. Before we started dating, Jon posted a NYE meme about resolving to be an asshole for another year. When we started dating he'd tease me about his age and I'd jokingly call him an asshole. For the most part Jon was a sweet guy. But he also had a nasty side. He's not unique in that regard. We all can be assholes sometimes. Sometimes I think he purposely tried to push me away. Not because he wanted me to leave. He didn't. But he expected I would and was surprised when I didn't. Up until the end he told me he never expected I'd stick by him. That I deserved better. Maybe a smarter girl would have run. I don't regret my decisions. I upset his homeostasis. When I didn't run, he did. I wish he hadn't. At least, but the way that he did. I'd rather we be apart and he'd be alive. I may not regret my choices but I do regret his. Sometimes life feels like a battle. But there is beauty to be found in the fight. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #kanyewest #runaway #mybeautifuldarktwistedfantasy

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There was so much I didn't know the night I met you. I didn't know that I would fall in love with you. I didn't know how much trauma you'd lived through. I didn't know why you hated being alone. I didn't know how lost you felt. I didn't know you were in constant pain. I didn't know you were sick. I didn't know you didn't expect to grow old. I don't know what would have changed if I had known that night. Would I have cancelled? Avoided the heartbreak that was our destiny? I'll never know. I don't know that I have regrets ... I don't know if I would have done things differently. What I do know is I'll always have questions. And you aren't here to answer them. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lordhuron #thenightwemet

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#Repost @projsemicolon (@get_repost) ・・・ Your Story Isn’t Over... #projectsemicolon #suicide #suicideprevention #semicolonproject #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness

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