This is probably my favorite Christmas song (unfortunate use of a gay slur notwithstanding). I feel like it captures something real. Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be a happy and hopeful time. But despite all the tinsel and eggnog there's still work to do. Bills to pay. Trash to take out. Life is not a Hallmark movie. I diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder years ago. It usually sets in after New Year's. I start counting down the days to spring. I remind myself that February is a short month. "Just have to get through February," I think to myself. I'm not sure what I'll think this year. Things are different. I'm different. And that's okay. It has to be. I'm not about to give up just because life threw a few rotten eggs at me. Like the couple in the song my relationship with Jon didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Jon broke my heart. He didn't mean to. His had been broken for a long time. He broke my heart but he didn't break my spirit. I know he worried that he would. But I'm made of stearner stuff than he realized. Than I realized. But I'm learning. #fairytaleofnewyork #thepoguesfeaturingkirstymaccoll #thepogues #kirstymaccoll #whenyouresadatchristmas #holidayplaylist #music #spotify #depression #suicideprevention #grief #loss #love #relationships

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I meant to post yesterday but didn't have a chance. I worked and then spent the evening finishing my last assignment of the semester. Because I am a masochist, I work two jobs and am in grad school. This is my second year doing this. It kind of sucks. Last year, even when he was sick, I could count on Jon for support, even though he would frequently shake his head at me. I'd come home to pizza. He'd take care of things around the condo. Last spring it was a struggle to deal with work and school and Jon being in and out of the hospital. But it seems like a cakewalk compared to this semester. At least he was here. Yeah, there were bad days. But there were a lot of good days too. I've been working more hours at the part time job. My classes were very stressful. And I'm still grieving. It's a lot. But I got through this semester. So far my grades look good. I think Jon would be proud of me. Heck, I'm proud of me. Could I be doing better? Sure. But I could also be doing a lot worse. This version of #LastChristmas is on the playlist at my part time job. It's a little peppier than the original. And it gets points for not being "It's a Marshmallow World." #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #arianagrande

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Some of you may look at this song and think, "Didn't she post this yesterday?" Nope! They are very different tunes. I do have an affinity for melancholy (also unique) holiday songs that goes back several years. Elvis's version may be the most well known. But I like this one. Spotify doesn't seem to have the version from A Year Without a Santa Claus. In that animated special, children sing it to Santa. This year, I sing it to Jon. #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #sheandhim #bluechristmas

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The holidays are difficult for a lot of people, myself included. I decided to make a new playlist of holiday songs for those who find themselves feeling blue this time of year. The link is in my bio. On this day last year, Jon and I went to Stew Leonard's to get a Christmas tree. I'd never had a real tree before and it was fun to decorate it (and try to keep the cat out of it). I thought it would be a new tradition. Instead, Jon is not here. Four months ago today, he ended his life. I don't feel much like decorating any tree, real or otherwise. I may not decorate at all this year. And I'm okay with that. It doesn't make me a Debbie Downer. Or a Grinch. I'm not trying to rain (or snow) on anyone's parade. I'm nearly done with my shopping. I'm cheerful with the customers who come into Bath and Body Works. I don't hate Christmas. I'm just feeling a blue. And I know it's not forever. #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #milesdavis #bobdorough #bluexmas

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I should be sleeping. Instead I'm up watching sappy Hallmark Christmas movies. I cried. And I wrote to Jon. I do that sometimes. I wonder if his spirit is able to read what I write. The things I can no longer tell him in person. Jon was flawed. He was troubled. But he was also wonderful. He was my person. I miss him terribly. I wish things had turned out differently. I wish he was still here. I know that's not possible. That it's a waste of a wish. But I still wish it. He's been gone a quarter of a year. I've gotten a quarter of a year without being able to see his face. There was the way that he would turn his head to look at me. There were the hundred tiny kisses he'd give me at a time. The sound of his laugh. The way he would draw out the vowels in the word "baby" before he'd tease me. I'll never experience those things again. Not the way I did with him. So I talked to him tonight, hoping he can hear me, wondering if he cries for what we lost the way I do. I don't know what I believe exactly. I'm not certain of anything. But it doesn't hurt to try to talk to him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #franksinatra #intheweesmallhoursofthemorning

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I've been having this weird feeling lately where things don't seem real. Like, I think about Jon (and I think about him every day) and nothing that happened seems possible. It doesn't seem possible that he ended his life. He couldn't have possibly done all that. I guess that's denial. But I know it happened. It's like a battle in my brain between the part that knows it happened and the part that doesn't want to accept it. Maybe it's because I never saw his body. Decisions were made and I wasn't a part of them. And maybe that's a good thing. It's probably best that I didn't see him in that final state. But it also adds to the feeling that it isn't real. One moment he's alive and kissing me on the forehead and then he just kind of vanished. Not literally. Some poor person had to deal with the consequences. Clean things up. Jon spared me from that. He had a stranger do it instead. But if I didn't see it, did it really happen? I know it did. I know. And yet... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #denial #acceptance #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #dustyspringfield #dontforgetaboutme

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