On taking medication

I want to talk about my decision to take medication since I've received comments about it. Before starting with this therapist, I was adamantly against taking antidepressants (for myself). I battled depression in my mid-twenties and I told my, now-retired, therapist that I didn't want to take medication; I just wanted to work through it. And I did. I work in health care reform and the head of a major medical network told one of our work groups that we seek the medicinal route far too quickly. There are other non-pharmaceutical ways to recover from mental illness. And he is right. 

And so as I recognized that I was in a very bad way and needed help, I figured I would do it the same way as before: without pills. But it became pretty apparent that this time things were different. This depression was far more severe. The last time I was able to make some fairly substantial decisions and those decisions helped me on my road to recovery. This time I find myself mentally paralyzed, incapable of making decisions, unwilling to face reality, and terrified of the potential outcomes. I spent an entire day at work sobbing. I had a meltdown during a group hike. I spent an afternoon at the trampoline park sullen and alone, wondering why everyone but me was having fun. I've been miserable but unwilling or unable to take any steps to change things. And so I started to consider medication. 

I talked to the therapist about my concerns and followed up with my boss (a clinical psychologist). They told me similar things. 

1. They aren't likely to change your personality, especially the newer medications. 

2. That doesn't mean they aren't without side effects. The old school benzodiazepines can be addicting. Certain pills can cause dry mouth or weight gain. They can make you feel more depressed or worse. 

3. They might not work. Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. 

4. You won't know if it works for about three weeks. 

5. Taking them doesn't have to be a permanent thing. 

Because I get more than 30 minutes a week with my boss, he was able to explain the different types of medications and the risks and benefits. He didn't make a recommendation either way. It was something I had to decide to do on my own. 

And so, I decided to see if they would help. My PCP prescribed me Wellbutrin. I read the entire warning label (fun potential side effect: you may see rainbows when looking at lights). And I've been taking them every morning. It hasn't been a full week, so it's way too soon to know if they will work. But I am hopeful. And if they don't, I can try something else. I'm trying to be open minded about the process. 

All too often we joke about people being off their meds. I'm guilty of this. It's not something to be taken lightly. There is no shame in taking something if you need it. You aren't better at recovery because you did it without meds. Mental illness is not a one size fits all situation. We all come with different experiences and different beliefs. Different things will work for different people. And hopefully, a pill, in connection with regular therapy sessions, will work for me.