Today is my birthday. If you told me this time last year that I'd spend my next birthday without Jon, I'm not sure I would have believed you. I would not have believed he'd be gone. But he is gone. Jon was my person and I'm spending today without him here. Last year I told him I just wanted a cake and a nice bottle of champagne. He bought a Perrier Jouet gift set with two glasses, edited a Steven Universe pic inspired by "So Many Birthdays" to include me and had it printed on a cake. It was sweet and silly. That was Jon. A few months later he broke one of the glasses. At Christmas we got stockings. He had a Star Wars themed one and it was overladen with gifts and broke. It's hard not to find some sort of weird symbolism in that. As if the universe was trying to tell me he wouldn't be here forever. It sucks. I cried a little as I wrote this. But I plan to make the most of today. It's what Jon would want. And even if he's not physically here, I carry a bit of him with me. I always will. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lovelikeyou @rebeccasugar #stevenuniverse #birthdays

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Spent this Thanksgiving with my family this year. I've been feeling Jon's absence lately. And I especially feel it today. I wonder what would have been different if he were still here. Maybe I don't have a right to be missing him so much. He was always measuring the time. He'd give me percentages. When he died I had been with him for 5% of his life. What's 5% really? It seems so brief. And yet, it didn't seem that way when he was here. Maybe because we went through so much. Maybe because we had a strong connection. I'm thankful for the time I did have with him, however brief. And it was far, far too brief. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thebeatles #inmylife #thanksgiving

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I haven't updated in a few days. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Yesterday I had one of the worst days at work in quite some time. When Jon was here I could count on him to listen and try to take care of me. I could count on him to hold me. I always felt better in his arms - like being home. I miss that so much. Loving Jon, especially when his illness had taken hold, could be like getting my heart broken over and over again but then having him help me put the pieces back together. I suppose it's still like that, even though he's not here. I wish I could has done that for him - helped him mend his broken heart. I tried. But I had an advantage that he didn't have. I learned how to fix my broken heart. He never did. I couldn't fix it alone. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #redhotchilipeppers #breakingthegirl

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The moment came quickly and it was gone just as fast. I was sitting at my desk this afternoon and I thought of Jon. And I forgot for a second that he was gone. For a brief second he was still here. Then I remembered. And I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing, our whole relationship. Was it all a figment of my imagination? And I knew that it wasn't. The moment where his death wasn't real was fleeting. The sadness that came with remembrance? Well, that lingers. I think it always will. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #roxette #itmusthavebeenlove #missinghim

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My sister sent me a video of this woman screaming at a man and him laughing at her overreactions. At one point he said she had Jerry beads. Now, obviously, Jon never got to meet my father. But they both loved Jerry Springer. My dad would watch it every day once he retired. Jon lived in Fairfield County at one time and used to go to tapings regularly. He told me that he did, in fact, get Jerry beads. Jon was very silly. My dad could be too. It's one of the things I love most about both of them. When I wonder what my dad would have thought of Jon, I think, at least they had Jerry in common. It'd be a start. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #fleetwoodmac #youmakelovingfun #jerryspringer #jerrybeads

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I'm not sure how I missed hearing this song but I think it's really great. In the months after you lose someone, you feel overwhelmed. Small pebbles (or little acorns) seem like boulders and you wonder how you'll make it through. But you do make it through. Little by little, day by day, acorn by acorn. Maybe Janet (and Bob Ross) were into something with the squirrel fascination... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thewhitestripes #littleacorns

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The day you died, you left your key but no note. People were surprised there was no note but I shouldn't have been. You had already explained it to me. I don't know if you told anyone else the things you told me. You told me more than once that you persistently thought about doing it. That you thought about it all the time. For a long time you numbed it with pot and pills and worse. It's how you continued as long as you did. But you didn't want to do that stuff anymore. You shed the worst of your vices before you met me. Then decided to shed the last one. But you never learned how to cope without them. And the pills the doctors prescribed ...I think they reminded you of the stuff you wanted to avoid. So you didn't take them unless I reminded you. Or you stopped all together. And you felt disappointed. You had things in life that you wanted. And a girlfriend who loved you and stood by you. You thought the feelings should have gone away. What did it mean that they didn't? You looked for answers externally. You looked in the wrong places. It's no surprise you found the wrong answers. You went too long without help. Lots of people go too long. Men especially. That needs to end. And we need to make sure the system can support them. Right now, I'm not sure it can. But I want to help. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #foofighters #lonelyasyou #effyourstigma #bethechange #futurelpc

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Having a sad day. Three months ago I talked with him for the last time. I wish I could have had one more conversation. Just one more. But maybe one more wouldn't have been enough. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #georgemichael #prayingfortime

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Baby come home. Baby come home. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #jetpackbluesremix #falloutboy #bigkrit #childishmajor

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I tried to do the movie thing for a week but it just didn't feel that interesting. So I think that will be it for that experiment. This song reminds me of Jon's attempts to learn Spanish. I've written about this subject before. But I haven't talked about this specific thing he used to do. He would playfully demand kisses in Spanish. Or he'd try. He'd mean to say "Dame (un beso)." But because he couldn't speak Spanish very well, he'd say "Dome." (Like doe me.) I would correct him every time. Then he'd say it the right way, and I would kiss him. It didn't seem to matter how many times I corrected him. He'd still say it wrong. I miss correcting his mangled Spanish. And his requests for kisses. And his kisses. And him. Most of all, him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #sunrise #intheheights #musicals

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Early in my relationship with Jon, we attempted to watch Moonrise Kingdom. This was in the phase of our relationship where we could never get through a movie. 🤭 We watched The Life Aquatic towards the end of our time together. Jon fell asleep before we got to the end. It was definitely a different movie viewing experience. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #joanbaez #herestoyou #thelifeaquaticwithstevezissou #wesanderson #soundtrack

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Jon and I got into a huge fight before seeing this movie. I was not interested. I'm really bad at faking enthusiasm. Visually, the movie was pretty good-looking. The dialogue was, well, laughable. Jon could be petulant. I'm no picnic either. But we always moved past our disagreements. That's the weird side of loss. You miss the fights you had. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #bubbledance #valerianthecityofathousandplanets

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Neither Jon nor I were particularly enthralled with Suicide Squad. Margot Robbie and Will Smith were highlights but it was otherwise ... just okay. But we both liked the soundtrack. This song is my favorite. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #kehlani #gangsta #suicidesquad #soundtrack

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One is the last movies we watched in the theater. I think I enjoyed it more than Jon did, but, nevertheless, it was a fun afternoon. And one of the best movie soundtracks. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #babydriver #queen #brightonrock #soundtrack #movies

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This made me laugh. And think of Jon. He would have eaten chicken alfredo every day if he could have. 🍗🍝 #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor

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This might be TMI. But Deadpool was the first movie we actually watched in its enirety. 1) Jon got sick during it. 2) His roommate at the time was watching it with us. We had probably been together three months at that point so it was likely May. Jon took me to meet his stepfather for the first time on Easter. We went to the Capital Grill and it was way fancier than I anticipated. I was in jeans and a flannel - way under-dressed. During the meal, Jon told the group that (at that point) we had never made it through an entire movie because we'd start kissing early on. I turned beet red. 😳 It may have been one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #deadpool #shoop #saltnpepa #movie #soundtrack

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Atomic Blonde was the last movie we saw in the theater. It was the day after he got out of the hospital. And less than a week later he was gone. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #atomicblonde #bluemonday #HEALTH #neworder

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I figured I'd do something different this month. Jon and I watched lots of movies together, so I thought I'd share songs from the soundtracks of the movies we saw. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 was Jon's favorite movie this year. He preferred it to the first one. I'm not sure if I agree. But the sight of mini Groot dancing along to this song is one of my favorite things ever. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #elo #electriclightorchestra #mrbluesky #guardiansofthegalaxyvol2 #soundtracks

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