A song for Halloween... Reese's peanut butter cups are the most popular candy at Halloween. Jon bought so many that I actually got sick of them. #truestory The white chocolate ones were his favorite but he wasn't picky. Any Reese's would do. No Justin's for him ... although I think they're actually better. I once saw him eat Reese's ice cream covered in Reese's Magic Shell with crumbled peanut butter cups on top. At Christmas he bought a the 1 pound cups. The biggest Reese's you ever saw. He put them in my stocking but they weren't really for me... 😂 #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #ninasimone #iputaspellonyou #halloween #reeses #peanutbuttercup

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It's 3:30 am. I got out of work at my part time job about 20 minutes ago. It was a hellish night, based alone on the fact that the AC in the store was not working so it was quite hot in there. Ordinarily I'd be going home to Jon, who either would have crashed hours ago or would have waited up and then argued with me about being at work so late. He'd ask me why I still worked that job. Shake his head at me. He would have messaged me throughout the night. Photos of the cat. Some little project he took on. He was really good company, even when we fought. We had the kind of relationship where we just enjoyed being together. No words needed. I miss him terribly right now. I miss his green eyes and the feel of his freshly shaved head. I miss his smell. The way he just radiated warmth - no need for blankets. I miss his movements - there was a deliberateness about them. I miss the dozens of tiny kisses he'd give me at a time. I just miss him. Even the bad stuff. I miss the bad stuff. At least he was here. I guess maybe that's pretty selfish. It's 3 am and I must be lonely... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #matchboxtwenty #3am

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It's been 75 days since he left. It's no easier today than it was then. It still doesn't feel real. I wanted so badly for him to make it. So very badly. I know I couldn't have been enough but I wish I had been. I'll never stop wishing that. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #onerepublic #madeforyou

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"Her ways are always with me. I wander all the while. But please you must forgive me. I am old but still a child." #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #queen #alldeadalldead #newsoftheworld #freddiemercury #lyricvideo #blackcat #songlyrics

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I figured I'd throw a little old school Janet on the list. The feeling hit me this afternoon. The feeling of wanting so badly to be able to see him and knowing I could not. I always miss him but some moments are harder than others. It used to hit me hard all the time. Just a constant attack. Like getting stabbed repeatedly. Now it's like I get stabbed every few days or so and the other days I get repeated papercuts. Not as traumatic, perhaps, but still painful. Perpetually painful. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #janetjackson #comebacktome #rhythmnation1814

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There's nothing better in life than finding someone you can be weird with. Jonathan and I could be weird with each other. One of my favorite shows is Steven Universe (frankly, everyone involved in mental health should watch it). Jon enbraced my love of this cartoon. He got me a Steven-themed cake for my birthday. He'd surprise me with Steven mini blind bags. He downloaded all of season 4 for me to watch because it wasn't available on Hulu yet. Someone made a SU-themed MBTI chart and Jon was Lars. And when I think of Jon's life and of Lars's storyline (no spoilers) it actually seems kind of fitting. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #stevenuniverse #bewhereeveryouare #lars #mbtitypes #cartoons #findsomeonetobeweirdwith

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If there was anything Jon loved as much as music, it was movies. I went to see more movies with him than in the previous five years combined. There are a lot of movies coming out that I assumed we'd go see. Thor: Ragnarok (which we'd both be into), Murder on the Orient Express (more me than him), Coco (same), and of course The Last Jedi (definitely more him than me). Every time I see something about the new Star Wars I can't believe he's going to miss it. And I get a little angry with him. Just a little. I'd be foolish to think a movie could keep him alive. He basically had a death contract inked on his body. That sounds ... harsh, but I cannot think of another way to describe it. I came home one day to find he'd had his mother's signature tattooed on his left wrist and a large Winchester rifle tattooed on his right forearm. He said it represented the town he was born in. That's alone was a sign that he was not thinking long term because it meant he'd be wearing nothing but long sleeves at any job he took. But it wasn't the worst part. Beneath the rifle, he had 12/25/17 tattooed. He lied at first about what it meant but then admitted that if he didn't kill himself before then, he'd do it on that day. That was devastating. I would have to explain the tattoo to ER staff and later the officer from CVH when he had died. I loathed the tattoo and he knew it. He'd express regret, promise to add a semi-colon (he didn't). I wonder if the artist knew the significance. Did Jon sell him the same bullshit story he tried to sell me? Did he know the truth? Did he care? I guess it doesn't really matter. That tattoo is a reminder that there was nothing I could do to keep him alive. That's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I know it's not my fault; a curse because it sucks to know how powerless you are. I guess I should take comfort that he didn't do it on Christmas. Perhaps that would have been worse. At least I'll never know. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #benfolds #benfoldsfive #dontchangeyourplans

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Jon and I communicated via text message for exactly a week before we meet in person. A mutual friend made the connection. Jon was looking to meet someone, she thought of me, and I thought, what the hell. He hugged me inside the doorway at the Hartford Wood-n-Tap when we met. We sat at the bar and drank beer and got to know one another better. He completely charmed me. I decided I didn't care that he smoked. "Is that a deal breaker?" he asked me. "Usually," I said. He kissed me on the cheek when we said goodnight and invited me to dinner. And that was the start of our relationship. We couldn't have been more different but that didn't seem to matter. In July, I sat with him in the emergency room before his last inpatient stay. He used to joke propose to me. "Will you merry me," he'd ask. And I'd say "With an A or an E?" It was an ongoing joke, but not really. He referred to me as his fiancée all the time. He looked at rings. But he never seriously proposed. Sitting in that room at Saint Francis, he asked the question again. And I knew it wasn't a joke that time. It was an A and not an E. "It's not the right time," I told him. "Let's get you better first." I was hopeful he would get better and that we would go on to live a happy life together. As you know, he didn't get better. I think about that conversation often. I haven't processed it fully. Maybe I never will. Maybe he didn't hold me for the longest time. But he held me for all the time he had. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #billyjoel #thelongesttime #howimetyourmother

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This is one of those songs I never get tired of listening to. My mind has been a remembering machine that I can't turn off. Every day I drive by the restaurant were we first met and I immediately think of the ring he gave me when we'd been together six months. He had it engraved with the restaurant's coordinates. He always said it was where we hugged for the first time. Not met. Hugged. It seems forever ago. There was so much promise in that hug. Potential. We had no idea what was to come. He and I had a political journey and I thought about telling that story but I worry it will be polarizing and I don't want this to be polarizing. I found myself talking to him in the car tonight. I do that sometimes. I told him how strange it was that he didn't have a body anymore. I thought about this awful tattoo he got in May and I'm glad it's gone. But I wish the rest of him was still here. Part of it feels like a bad dream. I never saw his body after he died. I, maybe, didn't want full confirmation of the way he died. Visual proof, you know? But it's still weird not to have seen him. Like did it really happen? Did I imagine it? I know I did not. But there's a part of me that wonders... Although I'm nowhere near creative enough to have imagined this story. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thebeatles #thingswesaidtoday

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This song choice was inspired by today's Google Doodle, which is honoring the release of Selena's first album, released on this day back in 1989. The Doodle is awesome. Check it out. Jon once told me he wanted to date a "Spanish" girl, which was ridiculous. 😅 I told him he had found the most Americanized Spanish girl imaginable. He tried to speak Spanish - terribly. And I would correct him and then regret teaching him the right words. I think part of his interest was that culturally, Latin people tend to be more collectivistic, more about family. Not that we don't have problems, because we do. Jon's family had been fragmented due to awful circumstances. He loved them and wanted to connect with them, but it was also sometimes painful. In his 20s, as is common for people living with trauma and mental illness, he self-medicated. As a result, he was fairly isolated. It's hard to know how to help someone in that situation. He would envy my family. "If I had your parents, I would have turned out a lot better." It breaks my heart. At his core, he was such a gentle, caring, and vulnerable soul. It's what I love most about him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #selenaquintanilla #dreamingofyou

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Come take my hand I won't let you go I'll be your friend I will love you so, deeply I will be the one to kiss you at night I will love you until the end of time #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #beyonce #endoftime

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I had the idea to watch all of the films on the AFI's greatest comedies list. Jon was game though we didn't get very far. He tended not to like "old" movies. But he really liked "Some Like It Hot," which is currently showing on CPTV. Marilyn Monroe, as Sugar Kane, sings this song. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #marilynmonroe #somelikeithot #iwannabelovedbyyou #sugarkane

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You promised that you would teach me to play tennis. You promised that we'd go see the new Star Wars. You promised that we would go see your favorite Christmas light show. You promised that we'd go on vacation. You promised that you'd be there when I graduated. You promised that you would take care of me. You promised that you loved me. But you never promised that you would stay. It's the one promise I wish you had made. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #pink #whoknew

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The past few days have been rough. I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. I think that's sometimes ok. But not forever. Jon wouldn't want that. I don't want that. Jon and I took Manny to see the Trolls movie when it came out. And it's actually really cute as long as you don't think too hard about the fact that the trolls are basically victims of genocide... Princess Poppy sings this song when she decides she's going to save her friends. And even though everything goes wrong, she keeps going. That's hope and that's courage - you keep going even when everything around you feels like it's falling apart. You get back up again. It beats the alternative. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #trollsmovie2016 #poppytroll #annakendrick

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Today marks 2 months. It still doesn't feel real. I know my family and friends have been worrying about me. It's hard to focus on work and school. From the moment I realized we'd be doing suicide risk assessment in class last week, I've been keyed up. Monday night I cried myself to sleep and then woke up after uneasy dreams and felt hungover (I hadn't been drinking). At some point I'll have figured out a new normal. I'm not there yet. But I will be. Writing helps. And maybe someone is going through a similar experience and they will read what I've written and it will help them. I hope so. I'm not sure how to refer to Jon now. I still haven't changed my relationship status on Facebook. Wives get to be widows. They get a label. Girlfriends and fiancées don't get labels. It feels weird to call him my boyfriend when he is no longer present. I've gotten letters from his job that refer to me as his fiancée (a story for another day). But I still feel like that's what he is. Or was. This whole experience is, for lack of a better phrase, fucking weird. I hope one day it will make sense. Today is not that day. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #twentyonepilots #stressedout #blurryface

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Puddle's Pity Party seems appropriate right now. I try not to fall into the "woe is me" trap. It does me no good. But it's hard sometimes to stop the "why me" thinking from coming. I sometimes wind up with a case of the shoulds. I just finished a floorsets and I should be going home to Jon. He'd be sleeping at this point and I'd wake him up. Or he'd wait up and play Battlefront or watch YouTube videos. He'd ask me why I still worked a second job. Maybe he'd say he got me a surprise (Trolli Brite Crawlers or something like that). I'd crawl into bed feeling sore and just crash. But that's all over now. It feels like I dreamed it. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #puddlespityparty #sunaintgonnashineanymore

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This was on Jon's Top Songs of 2016 playlist. When I listen to it, I can think of more than one way Jon might have related to it. That was a thing he and I had in common - using music to better understand our lives. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #alanwalker #faded

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It's been a rough week emotionally. Missing Jon pretty badly. Hopefully next week will be better. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lilyallen #somewhereonlyweknow #keane

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