If there was anything Jon loved as much as music, it was movies. I went to see more movies with him than in the previous five years combined. There are a lot of movies coming out that I assumed we'd go see. Thor: Ragnarok (which we'd both be into), Murder on the Orient Express (more me than him), Coco (same), and of course The Last Jedi (definitely more him than me). Every time I see something about the new Star Wars I can't believe he's going to miss it. And I get a little angry with him. Just a little. I'd be foolish to think a movie could keep him alive. He basically had a death contract inked on his body. That sounds ... harsh, but I cannot think of another way to describe it. I came home one day to find he'd had his mother's signature tattooed on his left wrist and a large Winchester rifle tattooed on his right forearm. He said it represented the town he was born in. That's alone was a sign that he was not thinking long term because it meant he'd be wearing nothing but long sleeves at any job he took. But it wasn't the worst part. Beneath the rifle, he had 12/25/17 tattooed. He lied at first about what it meant but then admitted that if he didn't kill himself before then, he'd do it on that day. That was devastating. I would have to explain the tattoo to ER staff and later the officer from CVH when he had died. I loathed the tattoo and he knew it. He'd express regret, promise to add a semi-colon (he didn't). I wonder if the artist knew the significance. Did Jon sell him the same bullshit story he tried to sell me? Did he know the truth? Did he care? I guess it doesn't really matter. That tattoo is a reminder that there was nothing I could do to keep him alive. That's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I know it's not my fault; a curse because it sucks to know how powerless you are. I guess I should take comfort that he didn't do it on Christmas. Perhaps that would have been worse. At least I'll never know. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #benfolds #benfoldsfive #dontchangeyourplans

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