This is probably my favorite Christmas song (unfortunate use of a gay slur notwithstanding). I feel like it captures something real. Yeah, Christmas is supposed to be a happy and hopeful time. But despite all the tinsel and eggnog there's still work to do. Bills to pay. Trash to take out. Life is not a Hallmark movie. I diagnosed myself with seasonal affective disorder years ago. It usually sets in after New Year's. I start counting down the days to spring. I remind myself that February is a short month. "Just have to get through February," I think to myself. I'm not sure what I'll think this year. Things are different. I'm different. And that's okay. It has to be. I'm not about to give up just because life threw a few rotten eggs at me. Like the couple in the song my relationship with Jon didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Jon broke my heart. He didn't mean to. His had been broken for a long time. He broke my heart but he didn't break my spirit. I know he worried that he would. But I'm made of stearner stuff than he realized. Than I realized. But I'm learning. #fairytaleofnewyork #thepoguesfeaturingkirstymaccoll #thepogues #kirstymaccoll #whenyouresadatchristmas #holidayplaylist #music #spotify #depression #suicideprevention #grief #loss #love #relationships

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I meant to post yesterday but didn't have a chance. I worked and then spent the evening finishing my last assignment of the semester. Because I am a masochist, I work two jobs and am in grad school. This is my second year doing this. It kind of sucks. Last year, even when he was sick, I could count on Jon for support, even though he would frequently shake his head at me. I'd come home to pizza. He'd take care of things around the condo. Last spring it was a struggle to deal with work and school and Jon being in and out of the hospital. But it seems like a cakewalk compared to this semester. At least he was here. Yeah, there were bad days. But there were a lot of good days too. I've been working more hours at the part time job. My classes were very stressful. And I'm still grieving. It's a lot. But I got through this semester. So far my grades look good. I think Jon would be proud of me. Heck, I'm proud of me. Could I be doing better? Sure. But I could also be doing a lot worse. This version of #LastChristmas is on the playlist at my part time job. It's a little peppier than the original. And it gets points for not being "It's a Marshmallow World." #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #arianagrande

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Some of you may look at this song and think, "Didn't she post this yesterday?" Nope! They are very different tunes. I do have an affinity for melancholy (also unique) holiday songs that goes back several years. Elvis's version may be the most well known. But I like this one. Spotify doesn't seem to have the version from A Year Without a Santa Claus. In that animated special, children sing it to Santa. This year, I sing it to Jon. #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #sheandhim #bluechristmas

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The holidays are difficult for a lot of people, myself included. I decided to make a new playlist of holiday songs for those who find themselves feeling blue this time of year. The link is in my bio. On this day last year, Jon and I went to Stew Leonard's to get a Christmas tree. I'd never had a real tree before and it was fun to decorate it (and try to keep the cat out of it). I thought it would be a new tradition. Instead, Jon is not here. Four months ago today, he ended his life. I don't feel much like decorating any tree, real or otherwise. I may not decorate at all this year. And I'm okay with that. It doesn't make me a Debbie Downer. Or a Grinch. I'm not trying to rain (or snow) on anyone's parade. I'm nearly done with my shopping. I'm cheerful with the customers who come into Bath and Body Works. I don't hate Christmas. I'm just feeling a blue. And I know it's not forever. #asongforjon #whenyouresadatchristmas #grief #grieving #holidays #spotify #playlist #holidayplaylist #milesdavis #bobdorough #bluexmas

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I should be sleeping. Instead I'm up watching sappy Hallmark Christmas movies. I cried. And I wrote to Jon. I do that sometimes. I wonder if his spirit is able to read what I write. The things I can no longer tell him in person. Jon was flawed. He was troubled. But he was also wonderful. He was my person. I miss him terribly. I wish things had turned out differently. I wish he was still here. I know that's not possible. That it's a waste of a wish. But I still wish it. He's been gone a quarter of a year. I've gotten a quarter of a year without being able to see his face. There was the way that he would turn his head to look at me. There were the hundred tiny kisses he'd give me at a time. The sound of his laugh. The way he would draw out the vowels in the word "baby" before he'd tease me. I'll never experience those things again. Not the way I did with him. So I talked to him tonight, hoping he can hear me, wondering if he cries for what we lost the way I do. I don't know what I believe exactly. I'm not certain of anything. But it doesn't hurt to try to talk to him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #franksinatra #intheweesmallhoursofthemorning

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I've been having this weird feeling lately where things don't seem real. Like, I think about Jon (and I think about him every day) and nothing that happened seems possible. It doesn't seem possible that he ended his life. He couldn't have possibly done all that. I guess that's denial. But I know it happened. It's like a battle in my brain between the part that knows it happened and the part that doesn't want to accept it. Maybe it's because I never saw his body. Decisions were made and I wasn't a part of them. And maybe that's a good thing. It's probably best that I didn't see him in that final state. But it also adds to the feeling that it isn't real. One moment he's alive and kissing me on the forehead and then he just kind of vanished. Not literally. Some poor person had to deal with the consequences. Clean things up. Jon spared me from that. He had a stranger do it instead. But if I didn't see it, did it really happen? I know it did. I know. And yet... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #denial #acceptance #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #dustyspringfield #dontforgetaboutme

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Today is my birthday. If you told me this time last year that I'd spend my next birthday without Jon, I'm not sure I would have believed you. I would not have believed he'd be gone. But he is gone. Jon was my person and I'm spending today without him here. Last year I told him I just wanted a cake and a nice bottle of champagne. He bought a Perrier Jouet gift set with two glasses, edited a Steven Universe pic inspired by "So Many Birthdays" to include me and had it printed on a cake. It was sweet and silly. That was Jon. A few months later he broke one of the glasses. At Christmas we got stockings. He had a Star Wars themed one and it was overladen with gifts and broke. It's hard not to find some sort of weird symbolism in that. As if the universe was trying to tell me he wouldn't be here forever. It sucks. I cried a little as I wrote this. But I plan to make the most of today. It's what Jon would want. And even if he's not physically here, I carry a bit of him with me. I always will. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lovelikeyou @rebeccasugar #stevenuniverse #birthdays

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Spent this Thanksgiving with my family this year. I've been feeling Jon's absence lately. And I especially feel it today. I wonder what would have been different if he were still here. Maybe I don't have a right to be missing him so much. He was always measuring the time. He'd give me percentages. When he died I had been with him for 5% of his life. What's 5% really? It seems so brief. And yet, it didn't seem that way when he was here. Maybe because we went through so much. Maybe because we had a strong connection. I'm thankful for the time I did have with him, however brief. And it was far, far too brief. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thebeatles #inmylife #thanksgiving

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I haven't updated in a few days. It's been a rough couple of weeks. Yesterday I had one of the worst days at work in quite some time. When Jon was here I could count on him to listen and try to take care of me. I could count on him to hold me. I always felt better in his arms - like being home. I miss that so much. Loving Jon, especially when his illness had taken hold, could be like getting my heart broken over and over again but then having him help me put the pieces back together. I suppose it's still like that, even though he's not here. I wish I could has done that for him - helped him mend his broken heart. I tried. But I had an advantage that he didn't have. I learned how to fix my broken heart. He never did. I couldn't fix it alone. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #redhotchilipeppers #breakingthegirl

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The moment came quickly and it was gone just as fast. I was sitting at my desk this afternoon and I thought of Jon. And I forgot for a second that he was gone. For a brief second he was still here. Then I remembered. And I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing, our whole relationship. Was it all a figment of my imagination? And I knew that it wasn't. The moment where his death wasn't real was fleeting. The sadness that came with remembrance? Well, that lingers. I think it always will. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #roxette #itmusthavebeenlove #missinghim

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My sister sent me a video of this woman screaming at a man and him laughing at her overreactions. At one point he said she had Jerry beads. Now, obviously, Jon never got to meet my father. But they both loved Jerry Springer. My dad would watch it every day once he retired. Jon lived in Fairfield County at one time and used to go to tapings regularly. He told me that he did, in fact, get Jerry beads. Jon was very silly. My dad could be too. It's one of the things I love most about both of them. When I wonder what my dad would have thought of Jon, I think, at least they had Jerry in common. It'd be a start. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #fleetwoodmac #youmakelovingfun #jerryspringer #jerrybeads

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I'm not sure how I missed hearing this song but I think it's really great. In the months after you lose someone, you feel overwhelmed. Small pebbles (or little acorns) seem like boulders and you wonder how you'll make it through. But you do make it through. Little by little, day by day, acorn by acorn. Maybe Janet (and Bob Ross) were into something with the squirrel fascination... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thewhitestripes #littleacorns

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The day you died, you left your key but no note. People were surprised there was no note but I shouldn't have been. You had already explained it to me. I don't know if you told anyone else the things you told me. You told me more than once that you persistently thought about doing it. That you thought about it all the time. For a long time you numbed it with pot and pills and worse. It's how you continued as long as you did. But you didn't want to do that stuff anymore. You shed the worst of your vices before you met me. Then decided to shed the last one. But you never learned how to cope without them. And the pills the doctors prescribed ...I think they reminded you of the stuff you wanted to avoid. So you didn't take them unless I reminded you. Or you stopped all together. And you felt disappointed. You had things in life that you wanted. And a girlfriend who loved you and stood by you. You thought the feelings should have gone away. What did it mean that they didn't? You looked for answers externally. You looked in the wrong places. It's no surprise you found the wrong answers. You went too long without help. Lots of people go too long. Men especially. That needs to end. And we need to make sure the system can support them. Right now, I'm not sure it can. But I want to help. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #foofighters #lonelyasyou #effyourstigma #bethechange #futurelpc

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Having a sad day. Three months ago I talked with him for the last time. I wish I could have had one more conversation. Just one more. But maybe one more wouldn't have been enough. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #georgemichael #prayingfortime

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Baby come home. Baby come home. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #jetpackbluesremix #falloutboy #bigkrit #childishmajor

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I tried to do the movie thing for a week but it just didn't feel that interesting. So I think that will be it for that experiment. This song reminds me of Jon's attempts to learn Spanish. I've written about this subject before. But I haven't talked about this specific thing he used to do. He would playfully demand kisses in Spanish. Or he'd try. He'd mean to say "Dame (un beso)." But because he couldn't speak Spanish very well, he'd say "Dome." (Like doe me.) I would correct him every time. Then he'd say it the right way, and I would kiss him. It didn't seem to matter how many times I corrected him. He'd still say it wrong. I miss correcting his mangled Spanish. And his requests for kisses. And his kisses. And him. Most of all, him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #sunrise #intheheights #musicals

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Early in my relationship with Jon, we attempted to watch Moonrise Kingdom. This was in the phase of our relationship where we could never get through a movie. 🤭 We watched The Life Aquatic towards the end of our time together. Jon fell asleep before we got to the end. It was definitely a different movie viewing experience. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #joanbaez #herestoyou #thelifeaquaticwithstevezissou #wesanderson #soundtrack

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Jon and I got into a huge fight before seeing this movie. I was not interested. I'm really bad at faking enthusiasm. Visually, the movie was pretty good-looking. The dialogue was, well, laughable. Jon could be petulant. I'm no picnic either. But we always moved past our disagreements. That's the weird side of loss. You miss the fights you had. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #bubbledance #valerianthecityofathousandplanets

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Neither Jon nor I were particularly enthralled with Suicide Squad. Margot Robbie and Will Smith were highlights but it was otherwise ... just okay. But we both liked the soundtrack. This song is my favorite. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #kehlani #gangsta #suicidesquad #soundtrack

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One is the last movies we watched in the theater. I think I enjoyed it more than Jon did, but, nevertheless, it was a fun afternoon. And one of the best movie soundtracks. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #babydriver #queen #brightonrock #soundtrack #movies

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This made me laugh. And think of Jon. He would have eaten chicken alfredo every day if he could have. 🍗🍝 #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor

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This might be TMI. But Deadpool was the first movie we actually watched in its enirety. 1) Jon got sick during it. 2) His roommate at the time was watching it with us. We had probably been together three months at that point so it was likely May. Jon took me to meet his stepfather for the first time on Easter. We went to the Capital Grill and it was way fancier than I anticipated. I was in jeans and a flannel - way under-dressed. During the meal, Jon told the group that (at that point) we had never made it through an entire movie because we'd start kissing early on. I turned beet red. 😳 It may have been one of the most embarrassing experiences of my life. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #deadpool #shoop #saltnpepa #movie #soundtrack

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Atomic Blonde was the last movie we saw in the theater. It was the day after he got out of the hospital. And less than a week later he was gone. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #atomicblonde #bluemonday #HEALTH #neworder

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I figured I'd do something different this month. Jon and I watched lots of movies together, so I thought I'd share songs from the soundtracks of the movies we saw. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 was Jon's favorite movie this year. He preferred it to the first one. I'm not sure if I agree. But the sight of mini Groot dancing along to this song is one of my favorite things ever. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #elo #electriclightorchestra #mrbluesky #guardiansofthegalaxyvol2 #soundtracks

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A song for Halloween... Reese's peanut butter cups are the most popular candy at Halloween. Jon bought so many that I actually got sick of them. #truestory The white chocolate ones were his favorite but he wasn't picky. Any Reese's would do. No Justin's for him ... although I think they're actually better. I once saw him eat Reese's ice cream covered in Reese's Magic Shell with crumbled peanut butter cups on top. At Christmas he bought a the 1 pound cups. The biggest Reese's you ever saw. He put them in my stocking but they weren't really for me... 😂 #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #ninasimone #iputaspellonyou #halloween #reeses #peanutbuttercup

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It's 3:30 am. I got out of work at my part time job about 20 minutes ago. It was a hellish night, based alone on the fact that the AC in the store was not working so it was quite hot in there. Ordinarily I'd be going home to Jon, who either would have crashed hours ago or would have waited up and then argued with me about being at work so late. He'd ask me why I still worked that job. Shake his head at me. He would have messaged me throughout the night. Photos of the cat. Some little project he took on. He was really good company, even when we fought. We had the kind of relationship where we just enjoyed being together. No words needed. I miss him terribly right now. I miss his green eyes and the feel of his freshly shaved head. I miss his smell. The way he just radiated warmth - no need for blankets. I miss his movements - there was a deliberateness about them. I miss the dozens of tiny kisses he'd give me at a time. I just miss him. Even the bad stuff. I miss the bad stuff. At least he was here. I guess maybe that's pretty selfish. It's 3 am and I must be lonely... #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #matchboxtwenty #3am

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It's been 75 days since he left. It's no easier today than it was then. It still doesn't feel real. I wanted so badly for him to make it. So very badly. I know I couldn't have been enough but I wish I had been. I'll never stop wishing that. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #onerepublic #madeforyou

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"Her ways are always with me. I wander all the while. But please you must forgive me. I am old but still a child." #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #queen #alldeadalldead #newsoftheworld #freddiemercury #lyricvideo #blackcat #songlyrics

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I figured I'd throw a little old school Janet on the list. The feeling hit me this afternoon. The feeling of wanting so badly to be able to see him and knowing I could not. I always miss him but some moments are harder than others. It used to hit me hard all the time. Just a constant attack. Like getting stabbed repeatedly. Now it's like I get stabbed every few days or so and the other days I get repeated papercuts. Not as traumatic, perhaps, but still painful. Perpetually painful. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #janetjackson #comebacktome #rhythmnation1814

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There's nothing better in life than finding someone you can be weird with. Jonathan and I could be weird with each other. One of my favorite shows is Steven Universe (frankly, everyone involved in mental health should watch it). Jon enbraced my love of this cartoon. He got me a Steven-themed cake for my birthday. He'd surprise me with Steven mini blind bags. He downloaded all of season 4 for me to watch because it wasn't available on Hulu yet. Someone made a SU-themed MBTI chart and Jon was Lars. And when I think of Jon's life and of Lars's storyline (no spoilers) it actually seems kind of fitting. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #stevenuniverse #bewhereeveryouare #lars #mbtitypes #cartoons #findsomeonetobeweirdwith

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If there was anything Jon loved as much as music, it was movies. I went to see more movies with him than in the previous five years combined. There are a lot of movies coming out that I assumed we'd go see. Thor: Ragnarok (which we'd both be into), Murder on the Orient Express (more me than him), Coco (same), and of course The Last Jedi (definitely more him than me). Every time I see something about the new Star Wars I can't believe he's going to miss it. And I get a little angry with him. Just a little. I'd be foolish to think a movie could keep him alive. He basically had a death contract inked on his body. That sounds ... harsh, but I cannot think of another way to describe it. I came home one day to find he'd had his mother's signature tattooed on his left wrist and a large Winchester rifle tattooed on his right forearm. He said it represented the town he was born in. That's alone was a sign that he was not thinking long term because it meant he'd be wearing nothing but long sleeves at any job he took. But it wasn't the worst part. Beneath the rifle, he had 12/25/17 tattooed. He lied at first about what it meant but then admitted that if he didn't kill himself before then, he'd do it on that day. That was devastating. I would have to explain the tattoo to ER staff and later the officer from CVH when he had died. I loathed the tattoo and he knew it. He'd express regret, promise to add a semi-colon (he didn't). I wonder if the artist knew the significance. Did Jon sell him the same bullshit story he tried to sell me? Did he know the truth? Did he care? I guess it doesn't really matter. That tattoo is a reminder that there was nothing I could do to keep him alive. That's a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I know it's not my fault; a curse because it sucks to know how powerless you are. I guess I should take comfort that he didn't do it on Christmas. Perhaps that would have been worse. At least I'll never know. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #benfolds #benfoldsfive #dontchangeyourplans

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Jon and I communicated via text message for exactly a week before we meet in person. A mutual friend made the connection. Jon was looking to meet someone, she thought of me, and I thought, what the hell. He hugged me inside the doorway at the Hartford Wood-n-Tap when we met. We sat at the bar and drank beer and got to know one another better. He completely charmed me. I decided I didn't care that he smoked. "Is that a deal breaker?" he asked me. "Usually," I said. He kissed me on the cheek when we said goodnight and invited me to dinner. And that was the start of our relationship. We couldn't have been more different but that didn't seem to matter. In July, I sat with him in the emergency room before his last inpatient stay. He used to joke propose to me. "Will you merry me," he'd ask. And I'd say "With an A or an E?" It was an ongoing joke, but not really. He referred to me as his fiancée all the time. He looked at rings. But he never seriously proposed. Sitting in that room at Saint Francis, he asked the question again. And I knew it wasn't a joke that time. It was an A and not an E. "It's not the right time," I told him. "Let's get you better first." I was hopeful he would get better and that we would go on to live a happy life together. As you know, he didn't get better. I think about that conversation often. I haven't processed it fully. Maybe I never will. Maybe he didn't hold me for the longest time. But he held me for all the time he had. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #billyjoel #thelongesttime #howimetyourmother

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This is one of those songs I never get tired of listening to. My mind has been a remembering machine that I can't turn off. Every day I drive by the restaurant were we first met and I immediately think of the ring he gave me when we'd been together six months. He had it engraved with the restaurant's coordinates. He always said it was where we hugged for the first time. Not met. Hugged. It seems forever ago. There was so much promise in that hug. Potential. We had no idea what was to come. He and I had a political journey and I thought about telling that story but I worry it will be polarizing and I don't want this to be polarizing. I found myself talking to him in the car tonight. I do that sometimes. I told him how strange it was that he didn't have a body anymore. I thought about this awful tattoo he got in May and I'm glad it's gone. But I wish the rest of him was still here. Part of it feels like a bad dream. I never saw his body after he died. I, maybe, didn't want full confirmation of the way he died. Visual proof, you know? But it's still weird not to have seen him. Like did it really happen? Did I imagine it? I know I did not. But there's a part of me that wonders... Although I'm nowhere near creative enough to have imagined this story. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #thebeatles #thingswesaidtoday

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This song choice was inspired by today's Google Doodle, which is honoring the release of Selena's first album, released on this day back in 1989. The Doodle is awesome. Check it out. Jon once told me he wanted to date a "Spanish" girl, which was ridiculous. 😅 I told him he had found the most Americanized Spanish girl imaginable. He tried to speak Spanish - terribly. And I would correct him and then regret teaching him the right words. I think part of his interest was that culturally, Latin people tend to be more collectivistic, more about family. Not that we don't have problems, because we do. Jon's family had been fragmented due to awful circumstances. He loved them and wanted to connect with them, but it was also sometimes painful. In his 20s, as is common for people living with trauma and mental illness, he self-medicated. As a result, he was fairly isolated. It's hard to know how to help someone in that situation. He would envy my family. "If I had your parents, I would have turned out a lot better." It breaks my heart. At his core, he was such a gentle, caring, and vulnerable soul. It's what I love most about him. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #selenaquintanilla #dreamingofyou

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Come take my hand I won't let you go I'll be your friend I will love you so, deeply I will be the one to kiss you at night I will love you until the end of time #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #beyonce #endoftime

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I had the idea to watch all of the films on the AFI's greatest comedies list. Jon was game though we didn't get very far. He tended not to like "old" movies. But he really liked "Some Like It Hot," which is currently showing on CPTV. Marilyn Monroe, as Sugar Kane, sings this song. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #marilynmonroe #somelikeithot #iwannabelovedbyyou #sugarkane

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You promised that you would teach me to play tennis. You promised that we'd go see the new Star Wars. You promised that we would go see your favorite Christmas light show. You promised that we'd go on vacation. You promised that you'd be there when I graduated. You promised that you would take care of me. You promised that you loved me. But you never promised that you would stay. It's the one promise I wish you had made. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #pink #whoknew

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The past few days have been rough. I've been feeling a little sorry for myself. I think that's sometimes ok. But not forever. Jon wouldn't want that. I don't want that. Jon and I took Manny to see the Trolls movie when it came out. And it's actually really cute as long as you don't think too hard about the fact that the trolls are basically victims of genocide... Princess Poppy sings this song when she decides she's going to save her friends. And even though everything goes wrong, she keeps going. That's hope and that's courage - you keep going even when everything around you feels like it's falling apart. You get back up again. It beats the alternative. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #trollsmovie2016 #poppytroll #annakendrick

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Today marks 2 months. It still doesn't feel real. I know my family and friends have been worrying about me. It's hard to focus on work and school. From the moment I realized we'd be doing suicide risk assessment in class last week, I've been keyed up. Monday night I cried myself to sleep and then woke up after uneasy dreams and felt hungover (I hadn't been drinking). At some point I'll have figured out a new normal. I'm not there yet. But I will be. Writing helps. And maybe someone is going through a similar experience and they will read what I've written and it will help them. I hope so. I'm not sure how to refer to Jon now. I still haven't changed my relationship status on Facebook. Wives get to be widows. They get a label. Girlfriends and fiancées don't get labels. It feels weird to call him my boyfriend when he is no longer present. I've gotten letters from his job that refer to me as his fiancée (a story for another day). But I still feel like that's what he is. Or was. This whole experience is, for lack of a better phrase, fucking weird. I hope one day it will make sense. Today is not that day. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #twentyonepilots #stressedout #blurryface

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Puddle's Pity Party seems appropriate right now. I try not to fall into the "woe is me" trap. It does me no good. But it's hard sometimes to stop the "why me" thinking from coming. I sometimes wind up with a case of the shoulds. I just finished a floorsets and I should be going home to Jon. He'd be sleeping at this point and I'd wake him up. Or he'd wait up and play Battlefront or watch YouTube videos. He'd ask me why I still worked a second job. Maybe he'd say he got me a surprise (Trolli Brite Crawlers or something like that). I'd crawl into bed feeling sore and just crash. But that's all over now. It feels like I dreamed it. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #puddlespityparty #sunaintgonnashineanymore

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This was on Jon's Top Songs of 2016 playlist. When I listen to it, I can think of more than one way Jon might have related to it. That was a thing he and I had in common - using music to better understand our lives. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #alanwalker #faded

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It's been a rough week emotionally. Missing Jon pretty badly. Hopefully next week will be better. #asongforjon #mentalhealth #depression #suicideprevention #love #relationships #grief #grieving #loss #survivor #musicproject #playlist #spotify #lilyallen #somewhereonlyweknow #keane

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Hello from the abyss...

I've had this song on repeat. One of the things I love about music is how the right song will hit you right in the gut right when you need it most. Today is one of those days where I feel like I've had to fight for sanity. And Sia has been there to remind me that I've got this. 

One of the things they tell us in grad school is that working as a therapist means you need to see a therapist too. You deal with other people's hard stuff and it's bound to impact you. The noted philosopher RuPaul says, "if you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else."

My professor told me a story last week about African ants who risk burning themselves to protect the rest of the colony. And there is nobility in that. But sometimes you get to a point where you need to make hard decisions. As women we're taught to put others before ourselves. We allow ourselves to get burned. And that's okay for a little while. It's noble. 

But you can't do it forever. Putting yourself first - sometimes - doesn't make you a bad person. If you don't recognize when you are approaching your limits, you risk losing yourself. You have to learn to recognize those limits. You have to learn to ask for help, or for a break. 

These are things that are easier said than done. I've been struggling with life recently and this afternoon, after crying in the middle of the day at work, I realized I'd hit my limit. I needed to make a change. That change isn't an easy one. It hurts and it may hurt others. But it's vital. If I don't take care of myself, how in the hell am I going to take care of someone else?